awkward silence

During the elevator ride up to my floor tonight I wanted to ask the lady beside me if she thought the elevator smelled of old cheese (possibly a strong stilton), but, THEN, a wave of realization hit me – the stenchy smell might be emanating from her bag! or her person! so I decided against it.

I woke up this morning, ransacked my entire apartment AND storage space, called a friend, had her re-ransack my whole apartment – all for naught

I should be in Atlanta right now, presenting at my second conference. Instead, I lost my passport and got to write up really boring descriptive statistics all week.

Sometimes I amaze myself with putzyness.

At least my shirt wasn’t on inside-out, I guess.

Also, I ca’t believe I got Osmond-ized, harsh 50 percent ninja, harsh.

you have been OSMOND-IZED

I started today off by accidentally hitting my face off the door on the way out due to a poorly timed sneeze.

Boy did that hurt.

 

 

 

NOTE: For the purposes of this entry “awesome” means “douchey”.

 

Where was I off to, you ask?

To present at my very first conference.

Did I get a black eye?

Not yet, but I suspect it is around the corner.

 

 

When did I realize my shirt was on inside out?

About ½ an hour before I had to present.

 

 

How did it go?

Umm…I have no memory of anything I said or the degree to which I was stumbling over my words. Leaving felt good. To help me slip into denial mode, I tossed on my ipod (playlist: “This is what it would sound like if the 90s threw up”) and walked home reflecting on my presentation…

Come on come on
Feel it feel it
Feel the vibration

I remember feeling nauseated…

It’s such a good vibration
It’s such a sweet sensation

slightly light-headed…

It’s such a good vibration
It’s such a sweet sensation

and that it was awesome that my co-presenter cut me off everytime I was making a point to make that point “better”.

Yo! It’s about that time
To bring forth the rhythm and the rhyme
I’m a get mine so get yours
I wanna see sweat comin’ out your pores

Then I hit up the grocery store, nearly having a nervous breakdown when phylis – 1 L 1 S – accidently put the cherries in as fucking avacados and proceeded to discuss how the difference was only a couple of cents so it didn’t matter. You know what Phylis? It does matter. That’s how the fucking grocery store orders in food. Now there are going to be like, way way too many avacadoes and far too few cherries to go around. And some kid with diabetes who likes cherries is going to die when his insulin is low and all he can reach for are some unrippened avacadoes. How do you feel about having that on your head, Phylis?

On the house tip is how I’m swingin’ this
Strictly Hip-Hop boy, I ain’t singin’ this
Bringing this to the entire nation
Black, white, red, brown
Feel the vibration

Anyways, overall I think it went OK.

And that I may or may not have an ulcer.

It’s designed breathtakingly simple…

Caution: Doom Still Impending

It seems that the Terror Alert was reduced to Yellow – an elevated risk of a terroristic attack – sometime between now and the last time I blogged about how to prepare yourself for the inevitable. Yellow, of course, means there is a significant risk of a terrorist attack. Luckily, there is some discussion surrounding building a moat (in addition to the fence) on the US and Mexico border, which will significantly reduce the risk of terrorism, and could possibly lower the terror alert to blue – a general risk of terroristic attacks.

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/in_the_know_the_u_s_moat

Hopefully, this idea will be extrapolated to the North so that the US may protect itself from Canada, a nation known to be a brothel house of terroristic breeding.

Constant viligance, my friends.

p.

Never Die Rope!

Has Work Become Too Soul-Crushing to Go on??

You need…

NEVER DIE ROPE!

The Rope that Never Quits – until you do!

$5.99

If tied properly, a noose tied with Never Die Rope! can hold up to 337 pounds! There will be no need for second attempts to end it all if you use this new, amazing product specifically engineered to help you make it all stop. But wait, there’s more! If you order now we’ll throw in a

NEVER DIE STEP STOOL!

for just 45.99 more! What a freeking great deal! Remember, in order to have a quick snap and a clean break you need to be sure to drop from at least 3 meters off the ground—the exact height of this new and improved stool! But wait, you need something to hang from! And we have just the thing for you!

NEVER DIE REINFORCED STEAL BAR!

Buy the Rope and Stool, and we will throw in the Reinforced Steal Bar for Free! Included in this package to end the need for all other packages are instructions on how to tie a noose, use a stool, and install the bar! Ending it all has never been so easy and affordable.

Product testimonies:

“Very Affordable, thanks for the option!” Yvonne, 25

“Kim, you kill me” Channa, 23

Donkey Punch

Scene: Group of workers desperately trying to get a piece of cake during office gathering…

Sally: …What’s a donkey punch?

[Everyone Snickers]

Sally: Son of a nutcracker. Tell me! WHAT IS A DONKEY PUNCH?!

Bob: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Kevin: Not something you should be yelling about. Ass.

Bob: Especially in a work environment.

Sally: Then tell me what it is!

P4p: No way. I am not saying that out loud. You can find out in your own time.

Sally: Screw you guys.

Bob: Why don’t you Google it?

Kevin: Not something you want to Google

Sally: Should I actually Google it at work?

Bob: [shakes head]

P4p: [gives Sally a look]

Sally: I mean, what are they going to do if I do Google it. I could say I did it by accident if anyone ever asked. You know what? I am going to Google it. To spite all of you bastards.

P4p: I don’t think it’s possible to type “Donkey Punch” into Google by accident. Especially with the safe search off.

Bob: [shrugs]

As everyone is done their cake and therefore have no reason to be at the “party” they return to their respective offices.

* * * *

Sally alone in office Googles Donkey Punch, finds the definition and e-mails it to P4p.

P4p goes into Sally’s office.

P4p: I can’t believe you actually Googled it.

Sally: But I did it really fast!

P4p: You’re right. I guess the tech people can’t see what pages we visit on the internet “if we visit them really fast”. Ass.

Sally: Screw you. You should have just told me.

P4p: How could you not know that already? That saying is as infamous as the “Dirty Sanchez”.

Sally: What’s a Dirty Sanchez?

2 Minutes to Midnight

On March 17, 2007 the US’s terror alert level was raised to orange:

Orange: High Condition
High risk of terrorist attacks.

Source: Homeland Security

Orange Alert is only a stones throw away from Red Alert: SEVERE RISK OF TERRORIST ATTACKS.

A while back the government released a video to help the nation prepare for impending doom. Although not as useful as periodic updates on how scared and prepared we should be, the following video could save the lives of you and yours.

Remember, in the event of an atomic scare to duck & cover:

Constant viligance, my friends.

p.

Facebook Forseriousness 101

The following is a list of means to seem more serious. They are the result of rigorous empiricalish investigations. In particular, a snowball sample of a number of Facebook pages and their corresponding blogs were subject to content-like analyses using a handful of signifiers derived from sociological research.

• do not use any capitals. even, perhaps especially, after a period.
• when referring to oneself be sure to use an uncapitalized “i”. this is so serious it may actually be artful.
• take a few minutes each day to just be in the moment, and then blog about it. further, unnecessary, yet meaningful paragraph usage will likely ensure you taken as seriously as you surely feel when listening to your my chemical romance album.

i use this on my page.

 

        where p is for pretention.

 

 

(not to be mistaken for pretension)

 

 

 

        (i claim this word for my own)

 

 

 

 

(masking not my façade)

(artful, shall be my home.)

• Fuck that was serious. Oh shite I broke character.
• it is imperative to include actual art on your facebook page if you are to be taken forseriously.

in particular, it is best to include your own attempts at photography or perhaps even more so your own drawings.

 

 

to really drive it home, relate any included art to detailed or poetic accounts of your dreams, or greenhouse gas emission-related tirades.

• Finally, some more obvious means of exuding forseriousity: cite theorists, jazz musicians, varyingly obscure writers and poets, and post pics of yourself in a che t-shirt, or writing at a (shadegrownorganicfreetrade) coffee shop on your facebook page.

Fin