awkward silence

During the elevator ride up to my floor tonight I wanted to ask the lady beside me if she thought the elevator smelled of old cheese (possibly a strong stilton), but, THEN, a wave of realization hit me – the stenchy smell might be emanating from her bag! or her person! so I decided against it.

I woke up this morning, ransacked my entire apartment AND storage space, called a friend, had her re-ransack my whole apartment – all for naught

I should be in Atlanta right now, presenting at my second conference. Instead, I lost my passport and got to write up really boring descriptive statistics all week.

Sometimes I amaze myself with putzyness.

At least my shirt wasn’t on inside-out, I guess.

Also, I ca’t believe I got Osmond-ized, harsh 50 percent ninja, harsh.

I started today off by accidentally hitting my face off the door on the way out due to a poorly timed sneeze.

Boy did that hurt.

 

 

 

NOTE: For the purposes of this entry “awesome” means “douchey”.

 

Where was I off to, you ask?

To present at my very first conference.

Did I get a black eye?

Not yet, but I suspect it is around the corner.

 

 

When did I realize my shirt was on inside out?

About ½ an hour before I had to present.

 

 

How did it go?

Umm…I have no memory of anything I said or the degree to which I was stumbling over my words. Leaving felt good. To help me slip into denial mode, I tossed on my ipod (playlist: “This is what it would sound like if the 90s threw up”) and walked home reflecting on my presentation…

Come on come on
Feel it feel it
Feel the vibration

I remember feeling nauseated…

It’s such a good vibration
It’s such a sweet sensation

slightly light-headed…

It’s such a good vibration
It’s such a sweet sensation

and that it was awesome that my co-presenter cut me off everytime I was making a point to make that point “better”.

Yo! It’s about that time
To bring forth the rhythm and the rhyme
I’m a get mine so get yours
I wanna see sweat comin’ out your pores

Then I hit up the grocery store, nearly having a nervous breakdown when phylis – 1 L 1 S – accidently put the cherries in as fucking avacados and proceeded to discuss how the difference was only a couple of cents so it didn’t matter. You know what Phylis? It does matter. That’s how the fucking grocery store orders in food. Now there are going to be like, way way too many avacadoes and far too few cherries to go around. And some kid with diabetes who likes cherries is going to die when his insulin is low and all he can reach for are some unrippened avacadoes. How do you feel about having that on your head, Phylis?

On the house tip is how I’m swingin’ this
Strictly Hip-Hop boy, I ain’t singin’ this
Bringing this to the entire nation
Black, white, red, brown
Feel the vibration

Anyways, overall I think it went OK.

And that I may or may not have an ulcer.

I started today off with a tampon up my nose.

Some people wake up on the wrong side of the bed. That is nothing – I started today off by shoving a (regular flow sized) tampon up my nose.

It’s not a fetish or anything, I promise.

You may have seen this done in like sports-type movies. The protagonist, or better yet the antagonist, gets a bloody nose from like a football being thrown at his face, or perhaps a baseball in the nose, etc. etc. I get them from changes in humidity and temperature. How lame is that?

Super lame.

Hella-lame, even.

I feel that saying hella-lame may be lame in and of itself.

I don’t even have to touch my nose for this shit to happen. I will just be like walking along the street, or going into the 7-11 to get a slushy and WHAM! I start gushing blood from the face, which tends to freak out non-bleeders. Brutal.

Anyways, what they don’t tell you about stuffing a tampon up your nose is that it expands as the liquid touches it, stretching out your nostril. If you have lengthy nosebleeds this can become quite painful.

This blog has been brought to you by procrastination. Procrastination: fucking over grad students since pretty much the beginning.