Donkey Punch

Scene: Group of workers desperately trying to get a piece of cake during office gathering…

Sally: …What’s a donkey punch?

[Everyone Snickers]

Sally: Son of a nutcracker. Tell me! WHAT IS A DONKEY PUNCH?!

Bob: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Kevin: Not something you should be yelling about. Ass.

Bob: Especially in a work environment.

Sally: Then tell me what it is!

P4p: No way. I am not saying that out loud. You can find out in your own time.

Sally: Screw you guys.

Bob: Why don’t you Google it?

Kevin: Not something you want to Google

Sally: Should I actually Google it at work?

Bob: [shakes head]

P4p: [gives Sally a look]

Sally: I mean, what are they going to do if I do Google it. I could say I did it by accident if anyone ever asked. You know what? I am going to Google it. To spite all of you bastards.

P4p: I don’t think it’s possible to type “Donkey Punch” into Google by accident. Especially with the safe search off.

Bob: [shrugs]

As everyone is done their cake and therefore have no reason to be at the “party” they return to their respective offices.

* * * *

Sally alone in office Googles Donkey Punch, finds the definition and e-mails it to P4p.

P4p goes into Sally’s office.

P4p: I can’t believe you actually Googled it.

Sally: But I did it really fast!

P4p: You’re right. I guess the tech people can’t see what pages we visit on the internet “if we visit them really fast”. Ass.

Sally: Screw you. You should have just told me.

P4p: How could you not know that already? That saying is as infamous as the “Dirty Sanchez”.

Sally: What’s a Dirty Sanchez?

2 Minutes to Midnight

On March 17, 2007 the US’s terror alert level was raised to orange:

Orange: High Condition
High risk of terrorist attacks.

Source: Homeland Security

Orange Alert is only a stones throw away from Red Alert: SEVERE RISK OF TERRORIST ATTACKS.

A while back the government released a video to help the nation prepare for impending doom. Although not as useful as periodic updates on how scared and prepared we should be, the following video could save the lives of you and yours.

Remember, in the event of an atomic scare to duck & cover:

Constant viligance, my friends.

p.

Facebook Forseriousness 101

The following is a list of means to seem more serious. They are the result of rigorous empiricalish investigations. In particular, a snowball sample of a number of Facebook pages and their corresponding blogs were subject to content-like analyses using a handful of signifiers derived from sociological research.

• do not use any capitals. even, perhaps especially, after a period.
• when referring to oneself be sure to use an uncapitalized “i”. this is so serious it may actually be artful.
• take a few minutes each day to just be in the moment, and then blog about it. further, unnecessary, yet meaningful paragraph usage will likely ensure you taken as seriously as you surely feel when listening to your my chemical romance album.

i use this on my page.

 

        where p is for pretention.

 

 

(not to be mistaken for pretension)

 

 

 

        (i claim this word for my own)

 

 

 

 

(masking not my façade)

(artful, shall be my home.)

• Fuck that was serious. Oh shite I broke character.
• it is imperative to include actual art on your facebook page if you are to be taken forseriously.

in particular, it is best to include your own attempts at photography or perhaps even more so your own drawings.

 

 

to really drive it home, relate any included art to detailed or poetic accounts of your dreams, or greenhouse gas emission-related tirades.

• Finally, some more obvious means of exuding forseriousity: cite theorists, jazz musicians, varyingly obscure writers and poets, and post pics of yourself in a che t-shirt, or writing at a (shadegrownorganicfreetrade) coffee shop on your facebook page.

Fin